lukeliw

 after a long hard night of puking and intense suffering,
i decided to quit smoking and drinking... indefinitely.

to whoever still tracks this,
i hope i have your support.

i really need to quit.
i've smoked enough to last my entire lifetime,
drank enough to fill several barrels.
and probably have my life shortened by a good few decades.

ouch. my heart hurts again.

 
I'm not perfect.
Nobody is.
and those who claim to be perfect are simply bs.

I can stand beside you and listen to your pain and sadness.
I can wait for you for close to an eternity.
I can weather storms and tornadoes just to see you smile.

but..

Don't take me for granted.
Even the strongest can become the weakest at times.
Even the smartest can become the fool at times.

I'm not perfect.
Neither are you.

strange to be back here.
thanks to miss editor for reminding me that this blog still existed.
in thy honor, i grace my recovered password as thy msn id. =D

since i didnt really intend to be back... there's nothing much to say really.
just leaving this quote behind i've been fiddling with all day:

A hollow heart cannot be filled if it's enclosed. A broken heart cannot stop bleeding unless it's patched. A brimming heart cannot stop loving till it's empty.

fallen into the darkness again.
or rather...
i am one with the darkness once more.

the world has lost it's splendor of life.

oh... to miss editor (if you're reading this..)
here's a new storyline:

once, there was a little boy.
he grew up in light, surrounded by happiness.
he knew not of the darkness in the world..
the suffering, pain and torment of those who lived in the darkness.
and yet,
he was happy.

he grew up strong.
he grew up fast.
and he gain knowledge day by day.

he learned about the darkness..
the darkness that is gradually surmounting the light.
he gave some thought about it.
and chose to become a soldier of light.

he fought valiantly.
he fought fervently.
and he was not alone.
other soldiers of light fought with him.
the light within the darkness swelled.

yet darkness with his power all so overwhelming,
destroyed the boy, and his soldiers of light.
leaving nothing in his wake.
a brave battle, fought and lost.

once again, darkness prevails.
darkness came.
darkness conquered.
and only darkness remains.

the end.

want and need.

if you want sth, you have a preference for it but it might be needed.
if you need sth, you have little or no choice over the preference as it is essential regardless whether you want it or not.

examples:
i need a life.
i want a bike.
i want to kill a person.
i need to get out of this place.
i want a plane.
i need to be a pilot.
etc...etc..

saying so..
i want to travel and i need to cut all my ties with this country.

to those of you who know about this blog.. and comes to check around for updates...
let me tell you this..
you are important to me.
you're important because your existance is the reason that i have not become a serial murderer yet.
you are the reason why i'm still sane and alive..
so if you have read this..
please sms me when you can...

.......because i'm losing my mind now..

everyday is becoming one big monotonous clockwork system.
i wake up, i bath, i go to work, i finish work, i go home, i bath, i sleep... and then repeat all over again.
i've lost sight of my meaning in life.
the freedom from these chains binding me down to this place... this work... this lousy excuse of living a life.
i barely have any time left to set up the fundamentals of my company..
this system is going way out of hand.
To whoever that is the mastermind of this stupid idiotic system....
YOU ARE GOING DOWN.
i'm defying every meaning, every purpose, every rule of life.
nothing can tie me down.






......maybe except one person....

i understand everything yet i know nothing.
i can relate to almost every emotion yet i can barely show any of them.
i decipher ancient texts of lost history and legends yet i am unable explain them to anyone.

BUT i know that death is a definate ending so i disregard it and live life to the fullest.
so why dont everyone realise that?
there's no point in containing the epidemic! if i can spread, it will! and if people will die, they die!
the GAIA that everyone is trying to save is finding new ways to eliminate us.
is this the end you desire, dying not because you know that mother nature killed you through her own concoction of flu, but because you tried to evade getting it and still got it?
that's pathetic.

luck hasnt been on my side for quite some time.
so i decided to try changing my lifestyle.
some dumb stuff i've tried:
1. do a random idiotic dance or movement during work, and after work at home
2. treat everyone in the workplace coffee/ tea for no reason
3. be super hyper and help out in every way possible at work
4. do random exercise actions (like training to jab, stretching.. etc..) at work
5. write down stuff (on paper) super fast until the hand muscles begin to spasm
6. ride pillion at work
7. dodge every potentially dangerous personal like they have h1n1/ h5n1...etc.
and finally.... play diablo 2 once reaching home without eating dinner or bathing first!!!
p/s. i've disinfected my computer desk already. hahaha

i finally realise my predicament now.
i've lost all my empathy.
it's not at the level of apathy yet.. but quite somewhat alike...
the only emotion i've felt these days is anger, and anger only.
i no longer feel for others.
death, chaos and injustice seem to just wash over me without stirring any emotion.
life seems so hollow with only one emotion, yet so... comfortable...

"the price for infinite wisdom is infinite suffering. because knowing the suffering in the world in it's entirety and not being able to do anything about it is the greatest torment of all."